All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
