I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
what is it with giant penises always finding me
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
