Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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