The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
