I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
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Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
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I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The dick lei will go down in squad history
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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