My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just gargled with NyQuil
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
