you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
