HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
