She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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