Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
