There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I need to calm my uterus...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
