I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
