That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
