Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
