Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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