Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
