you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
