The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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