Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
