Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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