I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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