My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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