It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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