He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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