I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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