Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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