I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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