It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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