Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
