When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
