I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
