Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
