Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Randomize
