if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
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I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.