end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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