I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
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All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
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I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.