naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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