im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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