Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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