there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
