Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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