hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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