Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
