so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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