the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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