You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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