I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
