Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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