I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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