At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
