I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
