I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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