get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
