i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
