We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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