Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
