Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
