she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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