I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
